It has been a very trying last few days, attempting to find some sort of way to organize my rambling thoughts - clanking around in my head. I am on day three of my moon cycle, menstratunal cycle and when my emotions and hormones run hot with the percieved wrongs in my personal universe - it all explodes.
Once upon a time, I wrote every day. Journalled, wrote poetry, short stories. I would dream up entire universes and characters that I fell in love with over and over again. Daydreaming out in the prairies I saught a love that would transcend space and time. A love that was sung about in the pop ballads I played on repeat; lovingly burned into 12 track CDs. And now that I was "gotten myself back"; I wanted to share a story of my relationship to my body.
The first time I got my period, it was around Winter Solstice when I was about 13 (I think this was Grade 7). My friend Nicole invited me to her parents work party which was to be held out on this farm, complete with bonfires, hay rides and a barn dance. Memories are a funny thing, some of mine have been so locked away that I cannot recall if they are memories at all; perhaps they were some of the scenarios I made up in my head.
I do remember being on horseback. As you, my loves and dear readers know, I have a deep love for animals - but especially horses. It was on horseback, under the light of the moon, that I experienced my period for the first time. I felt it. Deep rustling in my womb stirring as I felt my girls body start its metamorphsis into a woman.
When myself and Nicole returned to the barn I went to the washroom to check. And sure enough, my underwear was stained deep red with blood. Thinking quickly, and using the toilet paper in the stall - I folded it up to make a sort of pad - put it in my undies and went out and pretended like nothing had happened. I kept that moment to myself for the most part. All of my learnings about how a woman's body worked for me, strictly came from books. My mother was not anyone to talk to about health things - she was always insulting my body, and I had visions of Stephen King's Carrie if I were to come to her in order to confide about certain female things.
I had the library though. I remember a book I read:
So You Have YOUR Period.
And I read everything. I learned about hormones, and our cycles and what causes a pregnancy, etc. Regardless though, my periods as a young teen were incredibly painful - and even to the point where I would black out sometimes. As a result, from the time I was 16 - I was on hormonal birth control. And various types with varying degrees of so-called "success".
I did a video on my Youtube a long way back about how birth control may inhibit ones psychic abilities; mainly after I came off of birth control. You see, I have been married to the love of all my lifetimes, for 10 years - and we have been together even longer. It is only recently (I would say around 2021 or so) that I have come off hormonal birth control. Remember I was also (for a time) on the Depo Provera shot - so I did not have my period. But I also do eventually, if the universe wills it, have children. And so I came off the birth control - but it took at least a year for my period to come back.
It was summer solstice of 2023 and I was attending a virtual Venus Circle hosted by my magical friend Sasha Rose. As we were going through a deep meditation and re syncing our bodies with Venus - I felt the old familiar twinge in my womb - the rumbling of something deep.
I sat cross legged and let the wave hit me.
After the meditation was complete, I excused myself from my laptop and went to the bathroom to check. Ah, there it was.
My period was back.
And so now, I am regular with my cycles. It has taken a while. Because I do not want kids right away (and my and hubby have a very active sex life) - I have taken to tracking my period, my cycles as well as employing other methods of birth control (besides the pill and anything hormonal). The challenge has been that it has been decades of me not having a period or raging hormones whenever "that time of the month comes".
The psi walls and defences in my mind are so much harder to control when my subconcious and deep emotions come bubbling to the surface. All of my memories from when I had my period in my teens are so much more accessible; some of them had been locked away for years to protect my psyche. Heartbreak, trauma, abandonment and disappointment can sometimes hit me like a tidal wave, out of nowhere, and the rage comes rushing out in all directions.
I have realized this is why I am able to write again. It is one of the only ways I have learned to cope with all the thoughts that flash too fast for me to keep up with speaking. And now, now that I have been able to write this all down. I feel a lot better. Thank you for coming along for the ride ... and don't underestimate the power you hold within you.
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